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The Art of Charm Podcast is where self-motivated guys and gals, just like you, come to learn from a diverse mix of experienced mentors, including the world's best professional and academic minds, scientists, relationship experts, entrepreneurs, bestselling authors, and other badasses. This show will make you a better networker, better connector, and -- most important -- a better thinker.

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358: Dan Munro | How to Stop People Pleasing

December 26th, 2014

Episode 279 of 602 episodes

It starts with taking responsibility. "Ultimately what defines a people pleaser is that their self-worth is attached to things external them, to results and things outside of their control." -Daniel Munro The Cheat Sheet: What is a covert contract, and do you have one? What keeps most people stuck in their behavior patterns? Whyexpectations cause so many problems, and what to do about it. The truth about positive affirmations, and why they don't work. Whatare the two types of people pleasers? And so much more... Have you ever thought you were a people pleaser and wanted to NOT be one? Or have you simply wanted to be more "you" with other people? If you answered yes to either of those questions then this episode and our guest today is perfect for you. Daniel Munro is the head honcho at The Inspirational Lifestyle, a company devoted tothe practical application of just being you. On today's episode with Daniel we talk about how to stop people pleasing, why it's way more attractive to women when you aren't a pushover, why expectations are a setup for failure and so much more on the 358th edition of The Art of Charm. More About This Show: When you hear someone like Daniel talking about confidence, people pleasing and why being Mr. Nice doesn't work you might be tempted to think he's always had it all figured out. But that's nowhere near the truth, according to him. Daniel was the prototypical people pleaser and Mr. Nice Guy to women, friends, etc. But at some point he realized it wasn't working for him, he wasn't getting the results he wanted and he had that thought in the back of his mindthat something wasn't right. Instead of looking at his behaviors and his results as falling into either the right or the wrong category, he chose to see things as either helpful or not helpful. And that's when his attitudes, his behaviors and his results really shifted. By continually asking himself if what he was doing was helping his cause he was able to have more success with women, have stronger and more connected support systems and more positive results in his business. The only reason he was able to ask himself that question was because he took responsibility for his actions, and his life. He understood that by doing so he could then be at the source of creating what he wanted. He got clear that his feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment were coming from expectations he was creating, it wasn't actually the experiences he was having that were upsetting him but the expectations he set for those experiences. Daniel and I give a specific example of this that a lot of men (and women) do. A guy really likes a girl, and thinks if he's really nice to her and goes out of his way to do things for her she'll eventually see how great he is and want to be with him. So he creates an expectation attached to the effort and energy he gives his friendship with a girl, and when she doesn't respond by liking him, sleeping with him or dating him, he feels disappointed or even angry with her. It's what we at The Art of Charm call a "covert contract" and it does no one any good. Instead of creating these unmet expectations, Daniel has learned to be himself and to be clear about his feelings and what he's looking for. With The Inspirational Lifestyle he helps others do the same. In fact, Daniel has worked with serial murderers, rapists and other violent offenders who have hurt or killed as a result of their unmet expectations. He knows firsthand the damage covert contracts can have on relationships. If you're wanting to shift your people pleasing and stop creating expectations or covert contracts, Daniel and I have some suggestions for you in this episode. The first suggestion is to start by looking at the limiting beliefs and thoughts you have running around in your head. Everyone has them, so it's completely natural for you to think these thoughts too! It's by listening and believing these thoughts are true that we start to create people pleasing habits and the like. So to switch that around get out of a piece of paper and choose one area of your life where you want to make changes, and examine your limiting beliefs. You're going to choose that one area (career, dating, etc) and then write down all the reasons you cannot succeed in that area. Write out every last one of them, and then simply face them. Don't try to change or justify or fix any of that, just be with all of them. These are all your stories about why you aren't good enough, why you don't have what you want in that area. And that's all they are: stories. After you've faced your stories,on the other side of the paper you will write a name for your story and then you'll write down one example, one event or experience you had that disproves that statement. You're simply showing your brain that these are just thoughts, and these thoughts aren't true ALL of the time. We've got even more practical and actionable tips for you in this episode, including why women walk all over the super nice guys. So tune in to hear that, and much more on today's episode. A big thanks to Danielfor being here, and thanks to all of you too! We'll see you next time on The Art of Charm. THANKS DANIEL MUNRO! If you enjoyed this session of The Art of Charm Podcast, let Daniel know by clicking on the link below and sending him a quick shout out on Facebook: Click here to thank Danielon Facebook! Resources from this episode: Daniel Munro'sweb siteThe Inspirational LifestyleonFacebookNo More Mr. Nice Guy, byDr. Robert GloverDr. Glover on The Art of CharmEmail Daniel You'll also like:-The Art of Charm Toolbox-Best of The Art of Charm Podcast Wanna leave a comment? Too bad!Email meinstead (we read everything)! HELP US SPREAD THE WORD! If you dug this episode, please subscribe in iTunes and write us a review! This is what helps us stand out from all the fluff out there. Ways to subscribe to The Art of Charm Click here to subscribe via iTunes Click here to subscribe via RSS You can also subscribe via Stitcher FEEDBACK + PROMOTION Hit us up with your comments and guest suggestions. We read EVERYTHING. Download the FREE AoC app for iPhone Email [email protected] Give us a call at 888.413.7177 Stay Charming!